besides getting forwards about loving christ, this is what i get sent... does anyone actually write letters anymore?

What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.

How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR Three- one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Thank you for calling Babbages, the power of hell compels you. " What? " How can I help you?

I saw a police car outside of work. My first reaction was "I should slow down in the parking lot." When I realized there wasn't anyone in the car I thought, what the hell is a cop buying at Kmart at 9:50 pm- and why did he park right in front of the store?" When I walked in and back to the break room, I was passed by a woman in handcuffs and a policeman following her out. Then i felt the little lightbulb over my head turn on, and I felt like a retard. It was a little awkward. She looked late 40s- early 50s... or she just might not take care of herself, and is really only 36. Probably has a couple kids and a drunk boyfriend back home. Maybe she steals because her family is starving. If that is the case, hopefully they are hungry for $50 worth of press-on nails. (or perfume.. or clothing..).
I've never really liked telling people where I work. "Kmart" doesn't really have connotations that command respect. But they pay me well and I don't deal with people. So that's a bonus. But, my time there is coming to a close. As well as my stay in Kalamazoo. I've been here since August of '99 when I started school. I graduated July of '04 and just kinda stuck around. I'm one of those people that fear change and become paralized into inaction by the thought of failure and responsibility.
I recieved my bachelors because I knew it wouldn't be hard. If I wasn't so damn lazy I could have four pointed and been in the honors program, but instead I settled for a 3.3 and avoided giving myself another ulcer. The first one was at 13 I think.
Now, I am forcing myself to change my life. I'm moving back to the east side of the state within a month with a new place to call home and hopefully a job that doesn't require a box cutter.
I'm sure Gerardo, the guy who cleans the floors will miss me. I've had 1 stalker, 1 assault, and many guys fall in love with me- all Mexican guys cleaning the floors for Kmart. Why? 2 things. 1) im blonde- it's a status thing and/or a fetish thing. 2) the managers have me translate for them when theres a problem- in mexico girls only talk to guys when they want to date them- so just by telling them "hey, go mop up the shit by motor oil" they think OMG she wants me.
I almost got knifed by one guys wife for this. She thought I wanted her ugly little wookie of a man all for myself. I attempted to explain that in the states you can talk to whoever you want and i'm just practing my spanish. She told me that he tells her our conversations. I think one of them is lying. The extent of our conversations is "hi how are you" "fine" "its hot today" "yes" "have a lot of work?" "always".
I can totally see where I was saying "take me on the floor, manmeat". Especially when I walk down the aisle in underwear, in slow motion, with a fan blowing my hair back, holding a sign in spanish that says "do me."
*shrug*

Move forward and die, move backward and die... so you might as well move forward.

I've just gotten back from a week back home. (East side of the state.) It went well. I didn't want to gouge my eyes out with a spork, or drive my car into the Detroit river. I think that's a good thing.
Welcome back, Joe.

joke

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says.
"Just get the hell out."

life expectancy

http://www.nmfn.com/tnetwork/longevity_game_popup.html

im expected to live to 91.
I've always thought 27.
So i either have 4 years.. or 68.

Here's to fate *cheers*

Don't Cha?

Wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

For some reason... this song bothers me.
There are a lot of songs that bother me. But I have this one stuck in my head from hearing it last night at work. Maybe it will slowly drive me crazy. To the point where my boyfriend and I are walking aroung the mall, I spot a hot girl, and sucker punch him in the stomach saying "don't cha whish your girlfriend was hot like her??? Don't cha?? I'll never be good enough for you, will I??" Then run off half crying in a fit of rage, only to be hit by a H2 driven by some sorority girl in a Hooters t shirt, listening to "Don't cha."

Or...
you know...
not.

The Magazine Rack

Every month in Esquire you'll find a page thats titled something like Ten Things Men Don't Know About Women... or something to that effect. Then some random chick in the public eye writes up a list of 10 things. Usually at some point they'll say one like "You want that threesome with the hot chick at work? So do we. Why don't you go ask her." Which makes me wonder if there are actually a high percentage of women that are repressing lesbian tendencies and haven't told their boyfriend/husband, or if the articles has a threesome reference quota of at least once per '10 things' to turn on the men the magazine is geared towards. In any case, I'm going to put in my two cents and make my own "10 things list" for the general male public. If you already know these things, good for you. If you want to dispute my list- bite it. It's just my opinion. ;) In no particular order..

• You know all those axe/tag/ whatever body spray ads that have women fighting each other and flinging themselves at the good smelling guy? There's a hint of truth in that. Girls like guys that smell great. Insta-points for you. If you walk by a table of girls and they can smell your cologne (not so much it's gagging them) they will turn their heads to see who smells so good.
• Be nice to your mom. It's a reflection of how you treat women. Unless she's a total heinous bitch, then avoid her instead of yelling at her.
• We like that guys can kill bugs for us, stay calm in stressful/dangerous situations, can maintain our car, and eat like a man.
• Give compliments, but be sincere. It doesn't even have to be that often, maybe once a month. We remember these things.
• Instead of saying thank you when we make dinner, how about washing the dishes. Even better is if you know how to cook, and do it on a regular basis to give us a break. Chicks dig guys who can cook.
• Manscaping- learn it, love it.
• Men crying is only allowed when there is a death, you just got dumped by the girl you thought you'd be with forever, dismemberment, or a kick to the nuts. Movies are a grey area- unless you're crying and she isn't.... that's just wrong.
• Knowing how to dress yourself and match does not make you gay. Dressing well does not make you gay. Wearing pink does not make you gay- but it doesn't look right on all men. Having sex with other men makes you gay.
• We are always watching you. I mean that in a good way. There are a million little things that you do, that we love, and will never tell you.
• #10 will be the fine print rule that allows us to change our minds at a moments notice. It happens a lot. Accept it.

Word Up (Up) It's the code word...

Random Survey Questions:

What are you listening to: Word up- Korn
What are you eating: Taco Bell
Something you love: extra spending money
Something you hate: being in debt
Something you miss: being in school
Something you can't remember: life without a computer
I can't live without: a hair dryer and round brush
A website I recommend: http://www.deviantart.com/
Something I did today: Coinstar-ed my piggy bank... $48.36 that's a lot of freakin change
What I wanted to be when I was little: a paleontologist
What I am now: a college graduate working at Kmart
Within the next 5 years I want to: finish a damn book and have it published... and hopefully sell
Your name spelled backwards. Ycram
Where were your parents born? I want to say.. Detroit? Redford? or Livonia? I actually don't know
What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? an update for City of Heroes
What's your favorite restaurant? I like food.. so ... I have a lot of "favorites"
Last time you swam in a pool? July '04- hotel for Nik's wedding
Have you ever been in a school play? in it, no I was the soundtrack... you could find me in the Orchestra pit, playing trombone
How many kids do you want? none-
Type of music you dislike most? music for children and all Christmas music
Are you registered to vote? yes- back in Novi
Ever ridden on a moped? no and probably never will
Ever prank call anybody? I didn't, but friends I was with did
Ever get a parking ticket? a couple.. damn Kzoo cops with nothing to do at 4 am than ticket me ;)
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Jesus god- NO
Furthest place you ever traveled? Beijing, China
Do you have a garden? no, I dont have a yard either
What's your favorite comic strip? Ctl Alt Destroy, I think it's called
Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Yes
Bath or Shower, morning or night? Shower, whenever I wake up.. between 8 am and 7 pm
Best movie you've seen in the past month? Episode 3
Favorite pizza topping? ham and pineapple
What color lipstick do you usually wear? pinkish brown... i dont kno...
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? god no
Orange or Apple juice? both- as long as its no pulp orange
Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine? taco bell with Adam
Favorite type chocolate bar? kit kat
When was the last time you voted at the polls? 2000, for gore i didnt make it home for 2004
Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? never
Have you ever won a trophy? a lot of band awards.. theyre all collecting dust in a closet somewhere
Are you a good cook? i could burn cereal
Do you know how to pump your own gas? yes
Ever order an article from an infomercial? direct from the infomerical no.. i've seen the infomerical and bought the product online or in a store like- the Abslide.. used like 3 times
Sprite or 7-up? same thing to me
Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? no
Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Orthoevra
Ever throw up in public? yes
Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? money
Do you believe in love at first sight? no
Can exes be friends? for other people, i think so.. for me. not usually-
Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? no one
Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? full head of black hair.. then it all fell out and i was bald for a while- then got blonde curls- think
What message is on your answering machine? its a scary automated computery voice.. i dont kno what it says tho
What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character? character.. i dont kno... but i like most of what will farrell and jimmy fallon do
What was the name of your first pet? Buffy
What is in your purse? nothing- thats what a wallet is for
Favorite thing to do before bedtime? watch something funny on tv.. or play COH
What is one thing you are grateful for today? the invention of Coinstar


well, that was fun. did anyone actually read through all of that?

That's right bitches...

I'm blogging.
I'm assuming that the novelty will wear off quickly. So don't expect this page to be updated all the time.