besides getting forwards about loving christ, this is what i get sent... does anyone actually write letters anymore?

What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.

How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR Three- one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Thank you for calling Babbages, the power of hell compels you. " What? " How can I help you?

I saw a police car outside of work. My first reaction was "I should slow down in the parking lot." When I realized there wasn't anyone in the car I thought, what the hell is a cop buying at Kmart at 9:50 pm- and why did he park right in front of the store?" When I walked in and back to the break room, I was passed by a woman in handcuffs and a policeman following her out. Then i felt the little lightbulb over my head turn on, and I felt like a retard. It was a little awkward. She looked late 40s- early 50s... or she just might not take care of herself, and is really only 36. Probably has a couple kids and a drunk boyfriend back home. Maybe she steals because her family is starving. If that is the case, hopefully they are hungry for $50 worth of press-on nails. (or perfume.. or clothing..).
I've never really liked telling people where I work. "Kmart" doesn't really have connotations that command respect. But they pay me well and I don't deal with people. So that's a bonus. But, my time there is coming to a close. As well as my stay in Kalamazoo. I've been here since August of '99 when I started school. I graduated July of '04 and just kinda stuck around. I'm one of those people that fear change and become paralized into inaction by the thought of failure and responsibility.
I recieved my bachelors because I knew it wouldn't be hard. If I wasn't so damn lazy I could have four pointed and been in the honors program, but instead I settled for a 3.3 and avoided giving myself another ulcer. The first one was at 13 I think.
Now, I am forcing myself to change my life. I'm moving back to the east side of the state within a month with a new place to call home and hopefully a job that doesn't require a box cutter.
I'm sure Gerardo, the guy who cleans the floors will miss me. I've had 1 stalker, 1 assault, and many guys fall in love with me- all Mexican guys cleaning the floors for Kmart. Why? 2 things. 1) im blonde- it's a status thing and/or a fetish thing. 2) the managers have me translate for them when theres a problem- in mexico girls only talk to guys when they want to date them- so just by telling them "hey, go mop up the shit by motor oil" they think OMG she wants me.
I almost got knifed by one guys wife for this. She thought I wanted her ugly little wookie of a man all for myself. I attempted to explain that in the states you can talk to whoever you want and i'm just practing my spanish. She told me that he tells her our conversations. I think one of them is lying. The extent of our conversations is "hi how are you" "fine" "its hot today" "yes" "have a lot of work?" "always".
I can totally see where I was saying "take me on the floor, manmeat". Especially when I walk down the aisle in underwear, in slow motion, with a fan blowing my hair back, holding a sign in spanish that says "do me."
*shrug*

Move forward and die, move backward and die... so you might as well move forward.

I've just gotten back from a week back home. (East side of the state.) It went well. I didn't want to gouge my eyes out with a spork, or drive my car into the Detroit river. I think that's a good thing.
Welcome back, Joe.

joke

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says.
"Just get the hell out."

life expectancy

http://www.nmfn.com/tnetwork/longevity_game_popup.html

im expected to live to 91.
I've always thought 27.
So i either have 4 years.. or 68.

Here's to fate *cheers*

Don't Cha?

Wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

For some reason... this song bothers me.
There are a lot of songs that bother me. But I have this one stuck in my head from hearing it last night at work. Maybe it will slowly drive me crazy. To the point where my boyfriend and I are walking aroung the mall, I spot a hot girl, and sucker punch him in the stomach saying "don't cha whish your girlfriend was hot like her??? Don't cha?? I'll never be good enough for you, will I??" Then run off half crying in a fit of rage, only to be hit by a H2 driven by some sorority girl in a Hooters t shirt, listening to "Don't cha."

Or...
you know...
not.